Guest Post: The power of CREATION

There are a few things that no matter how captured, the mind cannot even begin to fathom its greatness. One of those is the ability to carry another human being inside of you for a full term. It is a wonder indeed.

 

I must admit the day that I found out I was pregnant I almost temporarily blacked out, almost hitting the floor. In my mind I wasn't ready, I wasn't sure and my life, you see, hadn't worked out the way that I had envisioned. I was pretty much all alone and fearful about this great responsibility. I was numb and just tried to take it one day a time, surprised, anxious but also failing to see the blessing. I remember going to the obstetrician and she had couldn't pick up your heartbeat and indicated that more blood tests had to be done because I may have a blighted ovum, at that point, my heart skipped a beat and I was consumed by this overwhelming sadness because I may have lost you before I even had you.  I tried to disconnect and not feel too attached after all it was a few weeks and maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Blood tests came back and you were growing, happiness consumed me and that’s when I made the announcement, not too sure as to how it would be received, I went in confidently because ultimately you were my creation, my responsibility, my child. The news was so well received and most were happy (barring one confusion), but all rejoiced at the this gift I was presenting them with, the gift of chaos, gift of sleepless nights, the gift of having a little human, a gift of a different personality, different perspective. That my child you may not know, places a great deal of responsibility on your shoulders for you bring something different to this hum drum thing called life. I remember hearing your heartbeat finally, and much to my surprise how you started resembling a human, from this blob, unrecognisable blob, to this human form. When did this all happen so quickly? Oblivious to biology and life, I was expecting something squishy, weird looking with no human anatomy. But yet you were there with a strong heartbeat, alive, sleeping through the prodding and poking oblivious to our invasion in your privacy with strangers in tow. My next visit we discovered what you are, a boy. I saw your penis, in plain view. You hid your face as if you knew we were trying to prod and poke and look at you, but yet my child you let your willy hang freely while coveting your face. How strange you must be, I have a lot to teach you about public nudity!  But I must admit, if anything goes, I believe you are a shy child, enjoying the quietness and solitude of the womb. The next visits that follow, you are in foetal positions, not wanting to be disturbed as I suppose what’s going on is the completion of you.  I guess you want to be a surprise, you want me to be patient, and you want me to wonder anxiously about you. Patience I must admit isn't my strongest suit, more so with you. I wonder what type of personality you have, what riles you, what are you passionate about, what is your purpose, what will you never concede on, what are you and I going to disagree on, what similarities will you have to your father, to me, what will I teach you, what will you teach me? All these questions lead to the impatience of waiting for you, you see, I cannot wait! Beyond the cute little fingers and small feet, your complete reliance on me, I'm impatient on what type of man you will become.

I commit to teach you to the best of my ability and action, that you can stand up and be different from everyone, that you will need to be strong because, you see, when you stand for something you believe in, you may not have an audience, your friends will change and leave you, you will go through dark moments, through happiness, you may want to change the world and fail, but its ok, someone watched you and got inspired. My son, you have purpose, live it, breathe it, stand it. And I hope that your choice in a mother will not disappoint you too much, but I hope that in my humanness you appreciate my faults and now that through it all, I love you with my entire being. A love that I knew I had, just waiting for you. For now, I appreciate your gentle to rather violent kicks and jabs in my belly, how you love when you push against my stomach and I massage your little back, it tells me you live, you’re healthy, you can move. I appreciate how your body grows so quickly bearing heavily on my back, my often graceless waddle as you pinch the nerves making it difficult to walk. I appreciate how you communicate your complete dislike of things by switching off my appetite to certain foods and occasional throw up. I appreciate how I see my body changing, sometimes curious but a sense of pride that I'm part of this miracle. 

Thank you my child, for choosing me, for loving me, for showing me that I can be selfless, and the ability to know that when I choose you I always win.

I have been waiting for you, wondering about you before you came. And here you are, in my favour to bare you. 

Nonkululeko Manyika

Menstruation

Disclaimer: this article is intended for sensitive readers...

I started my menstrual cycle in my last year of primary school when I was 12 years old. My mom, having a health background has always been open to me about sexual education. I did not have to wait for the Life Skill class to learn about gonorrhoea so it was not difficult for me to approach my mother when the first spotting happened. Although it was not a taboo subject in our house, I found that my school mates found it difficult to talk about menstrual periods so we all just hid it from each other. Issues such as menstruation are not freely spoken about within our society, if anything, the narrative around periods is often synonymous to shame and contamination. My mother once told me a story about her first period. Word was that your period meant that you were pregnant. The anxiety that came with thinking she was pregnant led her to hiding her periods from her family for a while up until her sister found out; even then it was to be kept between them. Although sexual education in our schools is progressive in the fact that information is available, not much is done to demystify the narrative around menstrual periods.

I'm 31 years old now and not once in my menstrual cycle have I run out of sanitary towels (otherwise known as pads). Out of the fear of running out, I keep my pads everywhere. In my cupboards, in my bags, in my car – everywhere! Sometimes when some (you know we have to say some right? *side eye) of my male friends come across my pads, one can see the obvious discomfort they feel. This discomfort is often followed by expressions such as “ewwwwwwww” or “what is this doing here, so disgusting!” I never understand what is so disgusting about sanitary towels. I am still waiting to be enlightened.

September was a tough month for me, I was under immense pressure so when my period started I was totally caught off-guard with no pad in sight. I still don’t know how I managed to run out of pads but I could not find even one. None in my cupboards, none in my bags and not even in my car, absolutely nothing! A big deadline was threatening and I knew that if I went out to buy some, my creative juices would not give me a second chance. I was in a predicament and if I needed to get my work done, I had to seize the opportunity that these juices had granted me. I started tabulating various ways I could deal with my flow while I finished my work. My mom’s story came to mind, she used newspapers before her sister enlightened her. Another option was to use toilet paper but I had received more than enough lectures on how I would contract all sorts of diseases if I used toilet paper during my periods. These were desperate times and certain risks needed to be taken. And so, Alas, toilet paper it was. The first day is always my heaviest flow so I was tortured by leakage therefore my visits to the bathroom were quite frequent. I went through that roll in no matter of time. I was in a bad mood and felt tortured.

Although I managed to finish my work, the experience left me a bit irritated. I decided to take a bath before going out to buy some pads. Exhaustion must have got the better of me because I passed out.  All I remember after taking my bath was sitting on my bed to read a chapter from a poetry book and the next thing (four hours later), my eyes opened and I was totally out of it. Forgetting that I was on my periods, I stood up without thought and yep, all I felt was a gush of liquid racing down my thighs. I clinched my thighs as I took the long walk to the bathroom. I ran a bath again and dipped myself and shed some tears (I shed tears quite often). I started thinking about all those women and girls who go through this on a monthly basis; those who do not have access to pads. A friend once brought up a very valid point during a discussion on sanitary towels “we have free condoms in the bathrooms but why do we never see free pads?”

The next day I had a lunch meeting with a very good friend of mine and he picked that something was bothering me. I related this story to him and to my shock; he had a look of disgust on his face pleading to stop telling him as he could not deal with the imagery. Mind you, he has two daughters and when I asked how he would be dealing with daughters should something like this happen to them. He said that is why they have a mother. But what if the mother is not around and his daughter starts her first period? What then? How can we be comfortable with watching horror and action movies where blood gets gushed all over but when it comes to the menstrual blood, blue liquid has to be used just so that people are comfortable?

Buck the Norm

*This article first appeared in the February 2015 edition of Destiny Magazine 

 

“Well behaved women seldom make history” –Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

We are living in a society which has constructed many rules for how we should live. We're taught that in order to fit, we must assimilate - or risk being cast out. People usually take longer to accept those who stand out and remain true to themselves. That's why Laurel Thatcher Ulrich's quotation above has been life-altering for me.

All of my life, I've been surrounded by people telling me how to conduct myself in every area of my existence - and what it means to be a prim and proper lady. They've prescribed every facet of my behaviour for me: how I should talk, dress, conduct myself and keep to my place. 

When heeded, these voices can be extremely limiting. They coach you to become an ordinary person who'll only ever achieve ordinary things in your life. They don't encourage little girls to dream beyond their environment and background; instead, they tell them that it's better not to dream or follow their desires. 

I believe that 20 years into democracy in SA, we women have an amazing opportunity to carry the mantle of our mothers and grandmothers who defied what was "normal".  Let's not forget the women who were instrumental in spearheading women's liberation in our country. Had they been "well-behaved" women, according to society's standards, we'd never have made such great strides in the march towards gender equality.

The race hasn't stopped and it's now up to us to carry that mantle with courage and boldness, daring to be different. We have a right to dream, knowing that nothing can come between who we are and what we're capable of contributing to our country, our continent and to the world.

Today we all have the opportunity to become the best version of ourselves: women who aren't merely satisfied with the status quo, but are driven and passionate about denting the universe in a positive and history-making manner.  

For Ulrich, "not behaving" means not being satisfied with what's prescribed as “normal" behaviour for a woman. For years I was stuck in an environment that was not conducive to who I was. Day in and day out, I smiled at outsiders; many would complement me and say I'd reached the peak of my success. But it certainly doesn't feel as if you've reached the pinnacle when you're in the doldrums. 

I made a decision that would be life-altering. I left my job and dedicated my time to doing what fulfils me. I occasionally contribute to the development of learners with the Gauteng Department of Education and I also started a mentorship organisation for women called Lady Leader, comprised of graduates, professionals, academics, community developers and entrepreneurs. We assist in the all-round development of women and also promote mentorship for teenagers.

I can now go to bed each night knowing that I've authored a new page in my life and that this story will, indeed, make history.

@malebosays

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Skuurpot: The Big Chop - The Menjik of it all

As they say that a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.

Something magical happened to me in the early hours of the 7th September 2015 and I was very compelled to shave my hair off. I invited a couple of my friends to join me in the journey and they agreed. I promised to share the journey with them. some even asked me for tips and we thought it would be a great Idea if I blogged about it. It is understandable that many believe that natural hair is not manageable and effort. So I will share very simple tips on how to grow very healthy and beautiful hair. So I did it - I chopped all my already existing natural hair off. More than anything as a symbol of the magic I am currently experiencing in my life.

Well errrrr (in leadership Mcebo Dlamini's voice). The big chop is me and I'm loving it. I couldn't really remove everything as I felt strongly tied to the new roots so I kept a bit on top.
So there are a lot of videos and stuff out there which makes maintaining natural hair a bit complicated. I don't have the time nor the passion to put my hair through that. For some it's a calling. Not for me. But I have some few tips for those who decided to embark on this journey with me.

I tried to make that revolutionary line nton-nton but it looks like a rate ate my hair instead tl tl tl - it's ok!!!!

Malebo's top 5 tips to healthy hair.

 1. Not everything works the same for every hair. It's important that you take the time out to explore what works for you. Your hair is alive - let it communicate with you. Do not see it as a problem as it will respond to the vibes you send it. Love it and it will love you right back.

2Hair comes in different types. From 4A - 4D .Most folk in SA have the 4C-4D hair so you will do yourself an injustice if you keep measuring yourself against someone with B-type. Just don't do it. I think your goal shouldn't necessarily be hair growth - but rather healthy happy hair.

3. Quench the thirst - this hair is thirsty for days. It's important that you moisturise it. Dryness causes breakages and split ends which just stops growth. So it's important that you develop a good hair regime.

 Here are the basics (will go more into them as time goes)
3.1 - keep your hair and scalp clean: important to wash your hair at least once a week. Please find a less harsh shampoo (sulphate free) to wash your hair with. You can also co-wash meaning you use your conditioner to wash instead of shampoo
3.2 deep conditioning - this is to treat your hair and make sure it gets manageable, moisturised and soft
3.3 seal in the moisture. I use water to moisturise my hair (no fancy what what) but because our hair is prone to dryness it's important to seal in the moisture. You can do this by using any essential oils (olive oil, coconut oil, shea butter, castor oil etc... Mix them - use them alone. Up to you)

4. Avoid heat - rather let nature dry up your hair then use some hair dryer. But if you must - use very low heat and some heat what what cream that is available at some shops

5. Take care of your hairline and use protective styles. Just because you chopped doesn't mean your hairline will automatically be restored tl tl tl. Take extra care of it. I use Jebba and castor oil for my hairline area. Keeps that part of the hair strong. It's important that you use protective style to aid retention. Twists - plaits etc... Try and avoid too much braiding and pulling.

Recommended products:

Check Sharon Musa Cembi's BBMH products

I also found that Dr Miracle (found at clicks) is super great. - the curl care range is fantastic and is sulphate free - I reviewed them here

Jebba - found at most salons in CBD (great for growth)

Water water water


Remember your diet is important ok. Drink lots of water and eat lots of greens. Your hair will love you ❤

Skuurpot: My hair meets Dr. Miracle's Curl Care range

I love my hair and I have always worn it natural. I must confess that I am not a die hard #naturalista nor do I dedicate my time to the #teamnaturalclub.  Without digressing too much from the point of this post, I believe that every woman has the right to wear her hair however she wants to as long as she is enlightened. I discovered a long time ago that straight hair/weaves do not work for my look so I decided to stay natural. The power in my hair is that it has its own personality. I love watching it go through its different phases. Many black women are concerned about the manageability of natural hair. I totally believe that once you understand your crown, then it wont be that difficult to manage. It might just surprise you. A good regimen and care for your locks, and your hair will be alive and smoking. Not all products work the same for all hair so it is important that you discover what works for your hair. I have extremely thick thirsty hair so it needs optimum moisture. I am not fussy about hair growth nor do I find myself drooling over curly hair to a point that I cannot accept the natural state of my hair. In my opinion, over-classifying our hair types falls within the same region as when we classify our hues (yellow bone etc...).

I came across the Dr Miracle's Curl Care Range and decided to give it a try. What attracted me to the  product was the fact that it is Sulphate and Paraben free and has all the natural products like jojoba and coconut oil. The packaging looks really good compared to the usual Dr Miracle packaging. The entire range pretty much has every product you would need for a complete regimen but I decided to purchased the Rehydrating Shampoo, Nourishing Conditioner and the Soft Hold Creme. I also wanted to buy the Weightless Moisturising Creme but they did not have any in stock (It is quite difficult to get as I looked at different clicks stores and still out of stock).

The product smells really good and I couldn't wait to get it into my hair. Starting off with the shampoo, I loved the feeling on my hair and the smell was divine. It has a menthol scent which can be felt on the skull, you know, the tingly kind of feeling? After rinsing my hair I was delighted that my hair was not stripped which is great for me. I do not shampoo but cowash my hair because most shampoos strip my hair of its moisture. My hair totally loved this shampoo and it is for keeps.

After rinsing my hair and gently towel drying it, I put a fair amount of the Nourishing Conditioner on my hair. I normally stay between 15 and 20 minutes with my conditioner but this experience was quite uncomfortable. The tingling hair on my sculpt was unbearable. I know some people who would love the feeling but it is not for me. I really need to find a way to bear it out if I am to continue using this conditioner. After rinsing, I quickly forgot about my tingling woes as my hair felt awesome.

The Hold Creme is meant to be applied while hair is wet and is designed to hold and define curls. I applied a fair amount on my hair (it is very thick so use sparingly) from root to top. My twist out was defined and my hair looked healthy and felt soft.

PS: While I was twisting my hair, I noticed cute tinsy winsy curls, you know, the kinky kinda curls? I know this could mean something big to someone out there. But they look super cute.
'

These products are for keeps and I am glad I stumbled across them.

NB: Images courtesy of the internet

@malebosays

Does my English bother you?

Is my writing not good enough for you? Quite frankly, I write how I speak and maybe that is good enough for me. English has never been my natal tongue so how can I be expected to perfect this language which was never part of my roots? You judge me based on my chains? English has been forced into our DNA so bad that we have no other reason but to utilise it; but can we please utilise it on our own terms? Can I write however I want with no one telling me that the Queen will not be pleased with how I am butchering her language? Well, I guess they should have thought about this moment before they turned us into pseudo-whatchamacallit - I shall slay this language for all my intended purposes. I write how I speak and that's ok!

@malebosays

Skuurpot: My hair experience with Neo Monare

The world is such an amazing place. In it, you have the opportunity to meet a variety of diverse people. I first met Neo on Facebook in 2013. She had won an online competition I ran at that time. As busy schedules would have it, I was unable to interact with Neo after the competition. We recently connected about a month ago when she offered to do my hair. You can imagine how delighted I was to find out that she was in the hair business. I am fascinated with all things hair so I grabbed the opportunity with all my locs. She hooked me up with a fabulous hairstyle which was perfect for me because it meant that I could style it however I wanted to. I am not a fan of a hairstyle that makes me look the same day in and day out, so this was perfect. Let me share some of the hairdos I have been able to pull off with just the hairstyle she gifted me with

While she was doing my hair, I got to know her a little better and I was moved by an initiative that she has started. I guess it is true that we can make a difference in many ways. I could not keep all of this to myself and hence I am sharing it with you. Below is a brief interview I had with Neo about hair and the initiative that she is involved in. Enjoy!

Me: What does hair mean to you?
Neo: Hair is the crown of each every individual,it simply means God didn't make a mistake giving us this beautiful crown.

Me: When did you decide to lock your hair?
Neo: I had a very huge afro when I fell pregnant. When I gave birth I didn't have time for it then it locked on its own and I decided to keep the look.

Me: Did you ever want to give up and relax your hair?
Neo: The last time I relaxed my hair was 20 years ago. My mom would try to make it straight then after a day or so I'd look like not even a trace of relaxer touched my hair. That's how 'stubborn' my hair was (then my mom gave up eventually); I am glad she did. It's 20 years this year wearing natural hair (I am 32).

Me: . Do you have any opinion on natural hair vs relaxed hair?
Neo: I really don't like the topic on that because at the end of the day it all boils down to different strokes for different folks. With that said, I do however  give tips when necessary. This has always been a controversial topic.

Me: When did you know that hair was something you would be involved with in your career?
Neo: My mom used to plait people around my hood. The passion she had was amazing. The accuracy of the lines she made was inspiring. She was so passionate that she didn't mind undoing the hair if it was not up to  satisfaction. That is when I started plaiting my friends.  I started to charge when I was 9 years old. I was so busy that my mom didn't have to give me pocket money anymore.

Me: Tell me more about your business?
Neo: I knew this hair business was meant to be when I got my first job at a fast food store. I hated being ordered around abut I had to survive through it because then I had responsibilities (my daughter).  I struggled to find a proper salon to take care of my hair the way I wanted. I am a tomboy so those 'formal' do's didn't do me justice lol. This is how I decided to style my locks and noticed people liked them a lot,especially customers from work. I would give my numbers out when I go to lunch. I'd find 12-15 different phone numbers booking appointments so I decided if I can make R1000-R1200 a day with hair then why the heck am I still working for R150 a day.

Me: You have a great initiative happening on Mondays, please tell me more about it?
Neo: My mum fetched me every day from primary school with a brush for touch ups here and there and I noticed that she would see other girls with  'untidy hair'.  She would call and brush them as well lol. So it ended up being an everyday thing. Girls would literally queue for a hairbrush everyday after school until  she ended up taking those who couldn't afford a plait to be beautiful like the rest without paying. This used to inspire me a lot.  I understood what it felt like not to afford something. I could only imagine how the girls must have felt not being able to afford a decent hairstyle. It can impact on your self esteem I believe. So every Monday I take bookings of those who cannot afford to pay for a hairstyle and I do their hair at no cost to them. This is a way for me to give back with the craft that I have been blessed with.

Neo Rocking it

Me: Why do you do this initiative when you could have a working productive day on Monday?
Neo: Two hours of giving back is thanking God for the gift he gave me. The fulfilment of being able to add to someone's beauty is priceless

Neo and I after she hooked me up

Thank you Neo for your kind heart.

If you know anyone who would benefit from this initiative (preferably in Gauteng/Soweto) then follow me on @malebosays (twitter and instagram) and get in touch with me for details.