There are a few things that no matter how captured, the mind cannot even begin to fathom its greatness. One of those is the ability to carry another human being inside of you for a full term. It is a wonder indeed.
I must admit the day that I found out I was pregnant I almost
temporarily blacked out, almost hitting the floor. In my mind I wasn't ready, I
wasn't sure and my life, you see, hadn't worked out the way that I had
envisioned. I was pretty much all alone and fearful about this great
responsibility. I was numb and just tried to take it one day a time, surprised,
anxious but also failing to see the blessing. I remember going to the
obstetrician and she had couldn't pick up your heartbeat and indicated that
more blood tests had to be done because I may have a blighted ovum, at that
point, my heart skipped a beat and I was consumed by this overwhelming sadness because
I may have lost you before I even had you. I tried to disconnect and not feel too
attached after all it was a few weeks and maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Blood tests came back and you were growing, happiness
consumed me and that’s when I made the announcement, not too sure as to how it
would be received, I went in confidently because ultimately you were my
creation, my responsibility, my child. The news was so well received and most
were happy (barring one confusion), but all rejoiced at the this gift I was
presenting them with, the gift of chaos, gift of sleepless nights, the gift of having
a little human, a gift of a different personality, different perspective. That my
child you may not know, places a great deal of responsibility on your shoulders
for you bring something different to this hum drum thing called life. I remember
hearing your heartbeat finally, and much to my surprise how you started
resembling a human, from this blob, unrecognisable blob, to this human form. When
did this all happen so quickly? Oblivious to biology and life, I was expecting
something squishy, weird looking with no human anatomy. But yet you were there
with a strong heartbeat, alive, sleeping through the prodding and poking
oblivious to our invasion in your privacy with strangers in tow. My next visit
we discovered what you are, a boy. I saw your penis, in plain view. You hid
your face as if you knew we were trying to prod and poke and look at you, but
yet my child you let your willy hang freely while coveting your face. How strange
you must be, I have a lot to teach you about public nudity! But I must admit, if anything goes, I believe
you are a shy child, enjoying the quietness and solitude of the womb. The next
visits that follow, you are in foetal positions, not wanting to be disturbed as
I suppose what’s going on is the completion of you. I guess you want to be a surprise, you want me
to be patient, and you want me to wonder anxiously about you. Patience I must
admit isn't my strongest suit, more so with you. I wonder what type of personality
you have, what riles you, what are you passionate about, what is your purpose,
what will you never concede on, what are you and I going to disagree on, what
similarities will you have to your father, to me, what will I teach you, what
will you teach me? All these questions lead to the impatience of waiting for
you, you see, I cannot wait! Beyond the cute little fingers and small feet,
your complete reliance on me, I'm impatient on what type of man you will
become.
I commit to teach you to the best of my ability and action,
that you can stand up and be different from everyone, that you will need to be
strong because, you see, when you stand for something you believe in, you may
not have an audience, your friends will change and leave you, you will go
through dark moments, through happiness, you may want to change the world and
fail, but its ok, someone watched you and got inspired. My son, you have
purpose, live it, breathe it, stand it. And I hope that your choice in a mother
will not disappoint you too much, but I hope that in my humanness you
appreciate my faults and now that through it all, I love you with my entire
being. A love that I knew I had, just waiting for you. For now, I appreciate
your gentle to rather violent kicks and jabs in my belly, how you love when you
push against my stomach and I massage your little back, it tells me you live,
you’re healthy, you can move. I appreciate how your body grows so quickly
bearing heavily on my back, my often graceless waddle as you pinch the nerves
making it difficult to walk. I appreciate how you communicate your complete
dislike of things by switching off my appetite to certain foods and occasional throw
up. I appreciate how I see my body changing, sometimes curious but a sense of
pride that I'm part of this miracle.
Thank you my child, for choosing me, for
loving me, for showing me that I can be selfless, and the ability to know that
when I choose you I always win.
I have been waiting for you, wondering about you before you
came. And here you are, in my favour to bare you.
Nonkululeko Manyika
Wow!!!
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