Friday 27 June 2014

Turning 30

So here I am, three days into my life as a 30 year old lady.  It is common for people to assume that women have a general phobia for turning old. Well I actually enjoy aging because it means I accumulate wisdom and I can be taken seriously.  I long for the day someone calls me an elder and I will gain respect by virtue of being old.  Turning 30 is a big deal in society. I do not know how many times I was told that this was a "milestone".  This really freaks me out because really, when I was 21, 30 was ancient and I had all these plans that I was to accomplish by the time I was 30.  I was supposed to be married to a Idris Elba lookalike scoring three beautiful ivory children with a beach house and a private jet that would allow me to visit my mother on weekends.  I am thirty and I have achieved none of those things. Ngwaaaaaaa ngwaaaaaaa ngwaaaaaaaaa...

I cannot deny that my road to 30 has been one filled with adventure and I have learned serious life lessons that have grounded me to the woman I am today.  I wont try and be all corny on you and list 30 things I have learned in my journey. I will list all the lessons I feel are truly worthy of making the list. enjoy

1. God loves me - #WalkingOnWater on steroids
There is nothing that I can do to make God love me less or more than the next person.  God loves me unconditionally and the plans are never to harm me but to prosper me.  Even though I find myself in the valley of the shadow of death, God is with me.  I can have a personal deep relationship with God. My relationship with God is at its peak and I get it, God is my source and I  can totally depend on God at all times

2. Well behaved women rarely make history - I do what I want, when I want, you can't tell me nothing
For the better part of my life, I have always been concerned about fitting the mould of society. Doing what was expected of me and making sure that my life aligned with those who saw me as their role models. From a young age I had a leadership role so I could not do the things that the inner me desired; instead I had to draw a perfect picture. A time comes in your life when you have to make a decision and I took mine. I decided to live an authentic life which is being true to myself and free from any pretense (ok, not all the way free).  I have found that when I am being myself, life rocks and history gets made. I am allowed to question stuff and dethrone all the self assigned spokespeople of my life. I go against the current wave and live life the way my convictions see fit.  My values stem from my relationship with God and that is what directs my life. I will never live a life filled with rules and boarders.  This is not to say that I am BAD, no, I am just uncomfortable to those who enjoy living in a box

3. Religion sucks and Love compels
If it has a set of rules which cannot be explained. Count me out.  I was a missionary at one point in my life and our calling was to share the Gospel wherever we went.  We used to have a mantra "preach at all times but use words whenever necessary".  This simply meant that we had to become like Christ in all we did.  One thing that Christ did really well on earth was to reflect God's unconditional love.  Because of that background I cannot be party to institutionalised religion which segregates people and spends time with a red pen.  The Love of God compels me to treat everyone as God would and that is free from judgement and condemnation.  To love at all times and to preach to their lives using my life.  Many religious folk have labelled me as a 'heathen' or whatchamacaalit. It's fine with me. Well behaved women seldom make history. Don't believe me? Ask Esther, Ruth, Mary, Deborah, Abigail....Get it? ok

4. Success is relative - Slavery vs Freedom
We are always fed the perfect picture of success. Get the right job, buy a big house and drive the right car.  That is the picture of success that everyone lives to attain. I had a flourishing career, at the peak of the corporate ladder, buying expensive cars and motorbikes but still, I searched for success and failed to find it. I still felt empty because my career kept me from everything that I knew I was meant for.  My job left me empty and cynical and so I could not operate in the proper frame of mind to achieve my purpose outside my job.  I am not one to encourage people to resign if they can still achieve their life purpose outside their jobs, but when the same job keeps you from your purpose, then touch decisions need to be made. I jumped ship and #WalkedOnWater.  It was when I was outside the system did I realise how much of the "success dream" is in fact like slavery.  You get told when to wake up, when to go home, when to have lunch, what you can afford and when to take time off to be with your family.  The system is so tight that when you try and break loose from it; life is made so tough that you will get tempted to return (another topic for another blog post)

5. On Mentorship
If I could exist in silo I would. Honestly, I love my own company. I love doing things by myself and not having to explain why I take the decisions I do.  In reality, we cannot achieve maximum excellence if we do things alone.  Mentorship is essence and key to one's success in life.  Think about it; identifying someone who lives what you envision for your life. Learning from their errors and successes. Tapping into their wealth of knowledge; come on... What could take me 10 years to learn would probably take me a year to learn with a mentor by my side.  Once I got over the mentorship phobia, I obtained a mentor in everything I do. I even have an eating mentor. Yep, you read correctly. Someone who helps me with my eating habits. I still haven't figured out the whole formal mentorship process. I usually bond with my mentors on a very personal and spiritual level and it just happens.

6. Me being a Mentor
I guess I live like a #Rockstar and make #SuperShero duties seem like a walk in the park. Many appreciate my efforts and want a piece of the pie. I get loads of requests daily of people wanting me to mentor them. Although I am truly flattered, I never know how to mentor someone formally. I would usually say yes and it is followed by awkward months of silence.  On my birthday I had many posts on my facebook wall from individuals who consider themselves as my mentees. I realised that the "what" is common among them is the fact that I have deep spiritual connections with each one of them.  It is nothing formalised, it's natural, it just happens. So this time, when someone asks me to mentor them, I give them my contacts. If it works out between us, it does, if it doesn't, we will have to move right along.  This is why I have dismally failed at being a life coach, it is just not my thing - formal things really freak me out  :) 

7. Authencticity
While we are on the mentorship topic. As I have explained earlier, all my life, I have had to live up to a certain picture of perfection.  I stopped living up to that picture and just became myself.  I cannot mentor you if you are not aware of my essence because really, essence is contagious.  I am flawed as a human being and I have my weaknesses. I will not apologise for being a human being and not some mortal being as some would have me to be.  I believe that authenticity is something that needs to be encouraged amongst us.  It is when you see the person that you can forgive them when they faulter. If you make a god out of someone, when they fail, it is very difficult to forgive them and believe in their cause

8. Ben10s are overrated
What is the big deal about age anyways?

9. #DearBlackMan- Feminism does not mean a hatred of men
I am a feminist because I spent most of my time advancing the cause of women.  I have seen the ugly face of abuse and pain at the hands of a man and I know what it means to be part of a heavily patriarchal society. I know what it feels like to be looked down because of gender or to fulfill quota because of the same.  I became very curious as to why men hurt women and this led me to a research at one of our maximum facilities in South Afrika.  Coming face to face with the countries most dangerous criminals.  Building trust with them and being able to enter their world.  The experience taught me something.  It was not about me.  The hurting person hurts others, even the most anti-social person has no inherent need to hurt others.  Mental health is not a fully explored topic in our country and thus many of our people will keep hurting each other.  I decided I will not protest against rape by marching or hating men. But instead I will highlight the good men in our society so that the boy child has someone positive to look up to hence the #DearBlackMan campaign.  It doesn't make sense to build the girl child and leave the boy child behind.  As Freud would have it, early childhood development is key in preventing some of the world's most hideous atrocities

10. Entrepreneurship is not always greener on the other side
Ok, so there I was with a spectacular gift of speaking and doing amazing things.  I thought hey, since I got paid to speak while working, I will do this full time and get paid more and I will do all of these other things as well. prrrrrrrrrr - as if.  If your aim is to make millions within the first year of venturing into Entrepreneurship, I ask you to reevaluate your decision.  This thing is a calling - you need to be able to survive through the slum.  No one tells you about the stuff you have to work on behind the scenes. The heartaches, uncertainties, self-doubt, random outbursts of whatchimacallit.  There is a lot that goes into living as an Entrepreneur before the fruits show. Sometimes we see pseudo-pictures of those who pretend to have arrived or those who do not tell us of their dark days that they lived through. So we are disillusioned into thinking that the minute we go into business, we will be signing cheques on some beach.  Yes there are a handful of those who get that right at get go but I do not want to lie to you. Our country does not make it easier either.  Where was I? yes, many see this glamorous picture and try it out for a year and when they see no results (often after losing money and probably, their spouses) they lose hope. It's tough this thing but oh so sweet and worth it when you are in it for the long haul

11. The gift of receiving
I grew up as a giver and receiving has been an awkward act to engage in for a long time.  Until I realised that the reason my seed flourishes so much when I give is because the one who receives it, receives with a grateful heart. Oh dear! What happens to those who have given me and I have had a weird heart? It is as if they had planted their seeds on concrete.  The fact that you cannot receive also registers in the heavenlies and how are you supposed to be blessed when you cannot receive? So I am on a mission to receive, so if you have any gifts to give away, send them my way ok

12. Secret desires
We are somehow afraid to voice out our secret desires. I do not know why we fear this.  I have loads of fears about telling people what I secretly desire. It has taken me sometime to get around to saying "Hey, you know what I would like...". Please don't ask me why, because I have no reason. I am just afraid. So listen here ok. I want to finally publish all my books. I want to be bigger than Oprah. I want to lose 20 kilos. I want to be paid to review Afrikan literature. I want to start my own fashion label.  I want a husband who is going to give me pocket money to travel around Afrika and do shopping. I want a man who will never cheat on me. There I said it, what are you going to do to me? NOTHING!!! I thought so. Now it's your turn, what do you want?

13. I am hot
Believe it or not, I have never always felt this way. Mara shem, I am hot ok

14.Books can take you wherever you want to go
I have sat at the tables of kings because of books. I have been mistaken for a double doctorate  bearer because of my love for books (I quoted some serious social anthropologist which left all the academics with their jaws on the floor). It's not intelligence really. It's reading, mixing it with experience and having your own opinion on matters (citing really important people helps O_o). Stop stealing people's statuses and pass it as your own, that really sucks so stop it

15. I know absolutely nothing
The more I think I know, the more I realise I know nothing.  Hey, just because something is king for you, doesn't mean it's king for the next person. Do not get it twisted

I guess 15 counts as 30 because if you add another 15 it adds up to 30.  I am looking forward to giving the next decade everything that I have.  I am happier than I have ever been. I can do what I want, when I want and no one can tell me anything without my buy in.

Here is to many moments of whooooo whoooooo as we live this 30 out.

Follow me on twitter: @malebosays
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Tuesday 17 June 2014

Maleboreads a whole lotta books

I am amazed at how many people ask me often on letting them in on my 'reading' secret. They can never comprehend me living my dizzy crazy life and having time to read.  I guess for me, reading is what I do in the 'during' period of this dizzy crazy life of mine.

I am a giver and I love to share. I always feel awkward when I cannot share some of the books I have read with people around me and hence I started a blog dedicated exclusively to my books. On that blog I will in no way attempt to review the books I have read/still have to read; but I will blog on how the books impacted my personal life more than anything (is that a review? well....). I will not write about every single book I read but I will share those books that pulled a string in my heart. Those books that truly transformed my life and made me skip a beat. 
One of my biggest literature influencers is not an Afrikan but his simplicity bears much profoundness.  I will throughout my journey quote Dr Seuss’ take on reading. 
 
Please find the blog here Maleboreads
 
In books we love <3 #OwnThyLife
 
 Follow me on twiiter: @malebosays
 
 

Tuesday 10 June 2014

#GorgeousityInMe Project - Find Your Inner Beauty



That moment when you are dressed down and you figure you look like a zombie and a little boy kid looks at you in awe and tells you how pretty you are. Wow, this should be an awesome feeling right? Well, I found myself conflicted when something like that recently happened to me. I wondered what this boy had seen, not that I doubted the way I looked, but I was wondering if he saw right through me into my inner beauty. This was a real breakthrough for me.

I am pretty confident about the way I look, well maybe 80% confident with the help of some make up. But he reminded me of the journey that I took to arrive to that 80%. It was a very emotional moment for me. I do not struggle with sharing my weaknesses because I want people to see the greatness of God in my life.

I remember as a young girl, I suffered serious self-esteem issues. These issues were mainly about what I thought about me as a person and the way I looked. I always thought people saw an undesirable species. I remember an incident when I was about nine years old, there were these two ladies, they told me that I was a pretty child. It took me a while to digest that. That memory is still so clear in my mind. I thought they were crazy and imagining things.

No matter how much I ‘fixed’ what I looked like, I was never satisfied. This was because the issues stemmed from a rotten root called sexual violation. This violation bred self-esteem issues within me. I spent time creating stories in my head about how I needed to protect myself. This is the very reason for my very strong character. All created to protect me from the big bad world. I am of the opinion that many “superwomen” that are out there do not really have it all together as they would have everyone believe. I believe that most strong women are battling with themselves.

I missed many opportunities in life because I thought I was not worth it. Sometimes when I look at pictures of myself when I was 24, I am shocked at how hot I was but at that time when I looked in the mirror I saw an ugly girl. During my time serving communities around the world, I learnt about loving your own skin. I also learnt that it doesn’t matter what another thinks of you, all that matters is that you think you are beautiful. Yah ne! It worked for a while. I fooled myself into thinking that I believed that and would still battle in secrecy about the way I looked. Until one day when I discovered inner beauty secrets. I came to an understanding that if I am not satisfied with who I am on the inside then indeed I will not regard the outside. 

I spent some time with God crying out to be mendede; clearly there was a root to all of this. I had to start from ground zero. Honestly, it’s easy telling people what to do because you know the truth, the trick is applying that trick into your life. I looked at myself in the mirror. It took me a while to see any good, but when I did, I saw my body. I looked at it and imagined when God was forming me. How every single curve on my body was carefully crafted. My legs were not as bad as I had imagined, my beautiful legs make up for my “kiss-kiss”. I looked at my face and was emotionally moved. I had a pretty nice smile, and that smile wouldn’t be so nice without my chubby cheeks. I saw my eyes; they were cool, and my flat nose, now that is one awesome nose. I realised that I was wonderfully and fearfully made. I understood that I Malebo am Gorgeousity Defined – “that cloth inside of you that you have woven to give the outside you definition.” YO!!!!!!! !I was like a rose stuck in a bud and now I realised my Gorgeousity and I had bloomed. My journey began and I had to deal with the root. It’s the small things I do daily that heal me. Let me not give it all away. Enjoy our #GorgeousityInMe project and we hope you find your INNER beauty.