Malebo the impostor

The impostor syndrome is something that I have lived with my entire life. I am not sure if it is because of when I was born or is as a result of all the hardships I have had to endure throughout my life. Sufferers of the impostor syndrome go through life believing that their accomplishments and gifts are consequence of luck and timing and that one day they will be found out as frauds. This usually leads one to self-sabotage or to withdraw from major activities out of the fear of 'failing' or being deemed as a fraud. I came face to face with this phenomenon when I was profiled for a television show once. My mother and long term school friend, Khosi, were asked to talk about what type of child I was growing up. I spoke first and the incongruity that showed between what I said and what my mom and Khosi said were startling. They spoke of this confident overachiever who was a stranger to me. Surely they did not see what a fraud I was. How did I manage to fool everyone I thought to myself.

I am still unable to accept fully all that I have achieved and I highly suspect that the reason I refuse to be nominated for awards is because of this. I did not make a big deal about my birthday for a long time because it meant that I would get to hear about what others thought of me. This would mean that I had fooled people into thinking I was something I was not. I worked extra hard to try and cover up this "fraud" which translated into more praise and adoration, which in turn freaked me out once more.

I do not have a consistent set profile because of this. It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable writing all those things that I have done and achieved. I was recently interviewed by Adenike Fatoki-Campbell of Our Paths to Greatness and I must say that this was one of the few interviews that I had to dig into all the things I have done throughout my life. Although I did not share all of me, it was quite close. There are still things I do not share about. The interview received crazy recognition from colleagues and friends on social media as many were shocked at all the things I had manage to do in my life. In the past I would have responded with hiding but I actually stood up tall and accepted my story. As uncomfortable as the praises are, I am making strides in fully dealing with this impostor syndrome (or so I think). Whichever way, I am more confident in my abilities and who I am than I was about ten years ago.

malebosays