A response to my open letter: #DearBlackMan

On Wednesday, 17 July 2013 I decided to write an open letter titled #DearBlackMan as part of my male celebrations.  Well, I received a response in my inbox from Phodiso Mpotokwane and I couldn't help but share it.

Dear Black women who care

I'll begin my response by pulling out an old saying; 'Behind ever successful man is a woman'..

Many of us have often ascribed enormous value to pleasing the women in our lives. Whilst the 'manly' thing to do is to deny this fact, it is still inextricably true. We often need that extra push, that impetus to change and be better; and the catalyst is more often than not from a female. Conversely, females can also be our greatest undoing; both contemporary life and history attest to this (From Solomon to Tiger if you will). A large part of my brothers' and I's psyche is wired towards impressing and proving ourselves worthy to the ones we aspire to take care of in one form or another. Therefore I thank you for pointing out the necessary; that there is altogether nothing inherently wrong, ugly or derelict about us as a subset of humanity. In fact as you rightly pointed out, we are definitely a creation worth beholding!

We are as you have pointed out a troubled demographic. We are historically looked down upon by many. We are expected to convey and protect waning cultural norms in the name of gender roles- sometimes to the antithesis of everything we may feel inside. We are the most incarcerated of all peoples per capita in the world. When we travel, we know we are going to get stares and stopped; suspicion is our middle name. We are constantly denied opportunities, even within our own communities for fear of what we will do. And as strange as it will sound; I see why a large sector of society isn't comfy around us. We rob to fulfill our most primate and uninhibited desires to control and subdue, we oppress those under our care merely because we are strong enough to physically get away with it, we treat with contempt the lives in our care by imbibing whilst driving.. We make a mockery of the need to preserve finances towards sustainable living, and instead opt to pilfer it all away in pursuit of societal acceptance by proxy. Banks, Breweries and Mortuaries all love us.. Simply because we make them all very wealthy because of our lack of inner peace. Oh yes, we are indeed a troubled old bunch! The root of all of this is quite simple really; society is moving on and a lot of us can't find our position in it. 

Traditionally we were bread winners. Ha! In this day and age AFFORDING a loaf of bread is a challenge. A lot of us have been through school, achieving all manner of professional qualifications only to be told we are 'overqualified'. So we go back to school and get even more qualified; some of us make it a lot of us just end up with massive educational loans to pay. Couple that with the fact that we are not allowed (by society) to be reliant on anybody and you can guess where the little birdie may get the nous to suggest doing something a touch illegal here and there. The few of us that do make it are obviously delighted with that! But see, there is something about being told you are way below 'standard' that belittles us and whatever achievement we may have already obtained. Don't get me wrong, we all need to be given a nudge to try harder where we can. But is it realistic to expect a all of us to have a mansion, 3 German cars and enough money to buy out the Radisson blu's cocktail bar every night?? Of course this isn't every woman who we come into contact with; hardly... BUT. The Psychological damage of telling a man who is already psychologically grappling that he isn't good enough and that his best efforts are bad is probably equivalent to telling a full figured lady who was made to believe she was fat from childhood that she IS fat. We are sensitive to how we are portrayed in much the same ways that you are sensitive. But the narrative hardly ever talks about our sensitivity; oh no! Men are strong, men are all conquering and they are beasts with brains the size of a mint imperial. Our script is often littered with shows of massive physical strength for the sake of strength, as though that will compensate our other short comings.

The best of us are all for your empowerment. We don't mind you having a higher salary, more societal power and all resultant perks. But these things somehow have turned the best of you into the worst of us i.e. rude, pompous and impossible to live with. The best of us have thick skin, so we soldier on. The worst of us hates anybody who we can't control and be better than, so we take it out on you by trying to 'put you back in your place'. Women empowerment then needs to step in to rebuild what we are actively trying to tear down because of women empowerment in the first place; a cycle worse than cocaine addiction in some respects...The narrative seems to be succinctly saying 'for women to be empowered, men need to be left as they are'... False. For women to be empowered, we also need to be empowered, just in a different way. Oh if only we could also be empowered in our understanding of what empowerment entails!

We are unfaithful because it’s almost expected that we shall be. We are unfaithful because standards on our end are non-existent. We are unfaithful not because there is anything wrong with you, but because there is a LOT wrong with us and what we is expected of us. If you are caught being unfaithful, it is a disgrace of the highest order and your family can disown you. If I am caught being unfaithful, it shall be swiftly swept under the rug as 'men being men'. I resent that. I would like to be held to a standard which expects me to be better than my canine friend; to be expected to achieve something, to be expected to have some form of cognitive skills. And another strange phenomena; the more faithful I appear to be the more some of our sisters make it a point to derail me.. Perilous and confusing that.

You live longer than I do on average because you have a massive support network to vent and get things of your chest. I have...well, the bottle, and my car, and the road. If I get lucky, I may have a gun! Oh what a lovely dogma society has given me; men don't shed tears. We shed blood instead.

Keep on encouraging me black woman. I depend on you a LOT more than you or even I may realize. Raise sons to know what needed of them, even if their daddies may have been 'stepped on by trains'. Encourage all who are close enough to you to lose things that don't help them in the long run. I on the other hand shall keep trying to affect as many of my brothers as I can with a more positive narrative; a narrative which says ' you don't need to be what you aren't in order to be anything in society'..

You are beyond beautiful black woman, and never let what any of us does/says stop you from being what you are created to be; the best thing that has ever happened to a large section of us and indeed yourselves!

Yours Sincerely

Appreciative Black man