When am I writing that book already?

Being a Black writer in South Afrika comes with its own challenges. For a very long time, we have been subjected to books with a rhetoric and authors we cannot relate to. As if that is not bad enough, we have always had White or Western authors tell us about who we are. You walk into many book shops in South Afrika and you would swear that the book shop is located somewhere in the middle of Europe. Maybe this is the reason that a narrative exists that "South Afrikan blacks do not read".
In this era (which I have deemed the Era of Enlightenment), we see many black writers coming up and debunking the myth and any stereotypes that exist around Blacks and literature. Access remains a huge challenge though. Access to literature should never be exclusive and so far it is. Books are extremely expensive and there are not enough (Black) publishers who are publishing Black authors.  

Considering the above, it makes total sense that many of us should add our voices to the literary spaces that exist right?

And so the question arises... "When are you going to write a book Malebo?"

Those who are tired of asking the question just go ahead and scold me..."Malebo, write that book already".

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard those words lashed out at me. I identify as a writer, a great one at it. So what is the problem? When am I writing that book already? How is it that I witness so many other people confidently write and publish their books? what is wrong with me? When am I writing that book already? I am an avid reader and a big supporter of Afrikan literature. In my circle of friends and acquaintances, my name is synonymous with reading (and writing). Most people reach out to me when they want recommendation on what to read. I have edited and proof-read a few manuscripts in my life. So what is the big deal here? When am I writing that book already?

Professor Keorapetse Kgositsile once told me that in order to feel comfortable in my writer's skin, I should write as much as I can until I develop a voice so distinct that it screams my name at any critical eye. The conversation I had with him totally transformed my attitude towards writing a book. I do feel that many writers put too much pressure on themselves and try and emulate someone else, in this, they fail to develop their own voice. I can almost hear the echos of Jayne Cortez as I write this; "find your own voice and use it, use your own voice and find it". I am a teacher by nature and so simplifying difficult concepts is what I do best. I have been blessed with being able to grasp subjects that range from the Sciences, Economics right up to Humanities. In a complex world that is today, a world where we need minds decolonised, education (I use this word loosely) is our best weapon.This is the reason I avoid verbosity in my writing. It took me months to perfect simplicity; to avoid sounding smart you know. I have also had to deal with my grammar nazi tendencies. I no longer police others and myself as harsh as I used to in the past. This policing often produced rigid mechanised writing. How refreshing it is to read a work of an author who is comfortable in their voice and it comes through when reading their work.

So with all that said, when am I writing that book already?

Malebo the impostor

The impostor syndrome is something that I have lived with my entire life. I am not sure if it is because of when I was born or is as a result of all the hardships I have had to endure throughout my life. Sufferers of the impostor syndrome go through life believing that their accomplishments and gifts are consequence of luck and timing and that one day they will be found out as frauds. This usually leads one to self-sabotage or to withdraw from major activities out of the fear of 'failing' or being deemed as a fraud. I came face to face with this phenomenon when I was profiled for a television show once. My mother and long term school friend, Khosi, were asked to talk about what type of child I was growing up. I spoke first and the incongruity that showed between what I said and what my mom and Khosi said were startling. They spoke of this confident overachiever who was a stranger to me. Surely they did not see what a fraud I was. How did I manage to fool everyone I thought to myself.

I am still unable to accept fully all that I have achieved and I highly suspect that the reason I refuse to be nominated for awards is because of this. I did not make a big deal about my birthday for a long time because it meant that I would get to hear about what others thought of me. This would mean that I had fooled people into thinking I was something I was not. I worked extra hard to try and cover up this "fraud" which translated into more praise and adoration, which in turn freaked me out once more.

I do not have a consistent set profile because of this. It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable writing all those things that I have done and achieved. I was recently interviewed by Adenike Fatoki-Campbell of Our Paths to Greatness and I must say that this was one of the few interviews that I had to dig into all the things I have done throughout my life. Although I did not share all of me, it was quite close. There are still things I do not share about. The interview received crazy recognition from colleagues and friends on social media as many were shocked at all the things I had manage to do in my life. In the past I would have responded with hiding but I actually stood up tall and accepted my story. As uncomfortable as the praises are, I am making strides in fully dealing with this impostor syndrome (or so I think). Whichever way, I am more confident in my abilities and who I am than I was about ten years ago.

malebosays